Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
