Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
