It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
