He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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