I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
