Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
