i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
