So gin and wine won't be happening again
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
