just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
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He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
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Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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