He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
