sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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