I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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