i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
