is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
