im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
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any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
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Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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