4 words: hood of his car
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
