I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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