my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
