dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
