so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
