I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
