This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
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My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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