Pants 0. Shit 1.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
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So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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