I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
