If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
