We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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