I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
