i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
