The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
