Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Acid is not a monday night drug
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
