Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
