can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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