Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
