My cat gives me a boner
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
