I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
