he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
