When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
