Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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