he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
It's Friday. Sex?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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