I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
FUCK WHALES
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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