my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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