I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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