I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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