get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize