i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
