Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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