: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
All the doctor said was why
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
