I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
