I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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