dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
