I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
