Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
you never un-have a 4some
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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