Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
