Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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