so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
