I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
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