ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
