Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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