glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
