I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
