He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
