Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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