you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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