woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
