My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
