I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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